Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Y'all can thank me later...

... like 2 hours later when you're done looking at this.  (Note: This is not a post about catz - it is just there to show my excitement.)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

In honor of Pride...

...here's Macdonian drag queen Bojan Jovanovski (aka Boki13)'s music video "Otvori Se". It brings to mind some questions:
1. Don't drag queens have a responsibility to keep trim and... I don't know, womanish?
2. Why the mouse ears?
3. Did Boki13 get money from Apple to produce this video or is the product placement just a coincidence?

Thanks Dlisted

S H O R T I M A G I N E D M O N O L O G U E S .



- - - -
Listen up. I know the shit you've been saying behind my back. You think I'm stupid. You think I'm immature. You think I'm a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I'm Comic Sans, and I'm the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.

You don't like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don't like that I'm all over your sister-in-law's blog? You don't like that I'm on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I'm pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don't all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire world can't all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I'm standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.

People love me. Why? Because I'm fun. I'm the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business' website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.

When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I'm banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I'm shredding "Reign In Blood" on my double-necked Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I'm racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters who'll kill me if I don't cross the finish line first. I am a sans serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.

It doesn't even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I'm famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I'm in your signs. I'm in your browsers. I'm in your instant messengers. I'm not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif badassery.

Enough of this bullshit. I'm gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Idiocracy, much?

Jamaican me crazy!

Okay. Are you pulling my leg here? A Jamaican DRUG DEALER named Christopher COKE was disguising himself as a WOMAN?!!!!!

*pinch me* Am I awake, or did I fall asleep during a Tyler Perry movie?!

Monday, June 14, 2010

assorted crap 4: the return of assorted crap

from top, via: ?, ohnotheydidnt.com, ?, toptenz.com, ?, jordanmatter.com, the rest from arbroath