Monday, May 18, 2009
Revenge Is Sweet, and So Are You
***Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the retarded.***
We here at Tiger Butter commend "Lisa's" actions. We think she handled the situation extremely well given the circumstances, plus she's super fucking funny. We've highlighted our favorite parts for your reading pleasure. It's long, but worth it.
PS. He's not even that hot, and he totally has bitch tits, WTF?
From: Mark@cheater.com Date: Sat, May 9, 2009 at 8:27 PM
Subject: hi darling :)
To: Regina@theotherwoman.com; email@example.com
This is Lisa writing this email (NOT MARK)...and I am thrilled for everyone to see it.
I'm going to try my hardest to not sound like a psycho. This is Lisa, Mark's ex (well, when he realizes it in about 2 hours). I had to stop at his apt today to take a shower and no one was here so I logged onto my g-mail to check for emails from my boss but mark's gmail popped up instead, with something from or to you. So i clicked on it b/c i'm nosey and paranoid since september when he told me "Regina is obssessed with me idk why she cant just get over me". Sure enough, this lead to me reading every conversation you and him have had since last september (talking dirty to you online on MY birthday was about as much as I could handle....so I stopped at september convos) I packed my stuff into my car, and i'm heading out in a few minutes. I just wanted to take this chance to write you this email b/c i know i'd regret it if i didnt.
I mean the following with no sarcasm, irony, or anger: Mark is awesome. He is the best boyfriend in the world, the best cuddler, the most attentive, and the most caring person i've ever met. When he kisses me on the forehead I feel like I am his whole world.
I mean this too: I'm disgusted to see he's been fucking you for quite some time. I guess this means i've lost my best friend. Can you lose something that never existed in the first place?
You're a girl, and I know how girls think, so here is what I want to say:
First of all, I wish you both the best. You've asked him through gmail conversations if your sexual relationship will lead to anything more. I can tell you that it might. He now is single (YIPEE!), so you can be his girl friend. However, what he has told me about you is that you could never handle him and his friends. You could never deal with "drunk mark". You could never put up with the "real him", the crude, obnoxious, zero-motivation alcoholic he turned into at college. I loved this crude obnoxious person and had so much faith in him for firguring out his career and future. I'm sure that he's told you embarassing things about me. Probably embarssing sexual things (not that i can think of any but... if he was lying to me then he was lying to you). It now makes TOTAL sense. I spent countless nights crying, wondering why my boyfriend who seemed so in love with me rarely wanted to fuck me. I questioned myself, my looks, my "techniques", everything. I even went so far as to question his sexuality, "mark, are you SURE you're not gay?"... "no" he said. "i love you, i'm attractied to you, and there is something wrong with ME. i'm getting old and sex isnt THAT important in our relationship...we have so much else".....
He cried twice. Both times he was telling me he had lost his spark in life. He lost his "mojo". He envied my positivity and he wished he was genuinely happy like I was. He blamed his low libido on his mood, and i begged him to see a therapist. One day we both came to the conclusion that he was suffering from mild depression. I told him "i'll stick with you through your issues, i LOVE you. you are right, sex doesnt matter." ....when he would'nt see a therapist, I thought of involving his sisters, asking for their help. I didn't.
His friends cheat (or, have cheated in the past) on their girlfriends. all of them except for one. one of his friends used to sleep with another one of his friends and everyone thought that was OKAY. It was a long time ago and everyone moved on from it, so I guess they would think that him cheating on me might be okay too. maybe this is why no one told me. WHY DIDNT ANYONE TELL ME.
if Mark wanted to hang out with me all the time, wanted me out with he and his friends all the time, planned vacations and romantic dates and brought me flowers at work, held me, told me he loved me, thanked me for understanding his lack of sex drive.... then what in the world was he saying to YOU? .... i imagine that i was the emotion and you were the sex.... but i've heard stories about you and seenpictures of you (b/c i tried real hard to stalk you on facebook but couldnt get very far)....but maybe now i;m thinking you got physical and emotional too and i cannot, for the life of me, figure out why he didnt just break things off with me. why didnt he just dump me? I really wish he had. I mean, then at least i could've been his friend later on in life.
This past tuesday was our 3-year anniversary and we had the best, most romantic date ever. We talked the whole time and we were both SO happy together. I thoguht to myself "wow, i am SO lucky to be with someone like this....someone who i can just talk to for hours....someone who actually listens.... wow lucky me i am more sure now than ever before that i have found THE ONE!"
so i just took all the pictures of us he had up in his bedroom and i tore them up and threw them all over the place in the living room (sorry stan and megan). i always imagined what a vengeful bitch i'd turn into if i ever caught a boyfriend cheating on me and today the most bad-ass thing i could come up with was to write "cheater" with his hair-gel across his bathroom mirror and i didnt leave enough room for the "-er" so it just says "cheat". God I can't even be a vengeful bitch correctly. S'ok I'll feel better when I suck face at the bar tonight with a random dude. But here it is, here i am, here i am 3 years of lies later. here i am my hottest funnest years wasted with liar mark. and here i'm sitting and writing a friendly email to the poor girl who he is cheating on me with and i'm kindof okay with it all. he has $1300 worth in quarters sitting in his bedroom and part of me wants to take money (one day i brought him all my parents spare change and gave it to him b/c he loves counting spare change, so i know at least SOME of it is mine)..... but i'm not going to. i dont even want a hug. i want to punch him but im not going to. i dont even want to say goodbye.
if there were a "delete mark" button, i just pressed it.
i'm glad he fucked you now. if this had happened further down the road it would've been much harder to deal with. And we both know that since it happened now, it totally was something inevitable.
a few times i tried to talk to him dirty online (like I see you successfully did) but he didnt talk back. he didnt care about my panties, like he clearly cared about yours. what guy doesnt care about their girlfriend's panties? me = SOOOO DUMB! i used to be a sexual person. i am GOOD at having sex with the person i'm in love with. i'm passionate and i'm giving. i tried everything i could possibly think of to make him more pasionate. one night i got desperate and crushed up a viagra in his drink (JUST KIDDING. okay but i thought about it several times....hahahahhaa).
his family loves me and i love his family.
most of his friends love me. I have a group of friends and they are HIS friends too. this is going to rip everyone and everything apart.
he hates bananas and i just threw a dirty rotten banana peel on his bed. take THAT BICTHHHH. [sic]
and now i see why he loved me with hugs and loved you with his penis. this is all making total sense.
My boyfriend only wanted to have sex with me on the weekends ....b/c he saw you during the week.
This morning i convinced him to have sex with me in his friends' attick. He kept his eyes shut. I bet he was pictureing you. sick....vomit vomit vomit......
Everything he's ever said to me has been a lie. i believed. i am dumb as shit.
he has a best friend named Lizzy and I love her and I wanted her to be a bridesmaid in our wedding and wear a navy blue dress and stand on mark's side but i was nervous that i would overwhelm her making her do bridesmaid and groomsmen stuff too and now i'm starting to cry for the first time thinking about how dumb I am. Lizzy, you knew didnt you. i cant believe i finally started to cry about this, and i'm crying about Lizzy not being in my wedding. wtf.
I see in one conversation he called you "butt muncher" which i think is really cute b/c that is what he and i call eachother. if you'd like, i can email you a full list of all of our pet names for eachother and you can compare. as you see, i have also sent this email to myself incase you ever want to write something to me.
the dirty pics you sent him made me vom a little in my mouth and i thought about being a total asshole and posting them on facebook but then i stopped myself and remembered that i am not the bad one. im not the mean person in this situation. i'm the smart one. i'm the nice one. i'm the good girl. and i am not a vengeful bitch. instead i just sent HIS naked picture of himself to his friends. take that asshole.
i have also sent this email to his whole world.
On my birthday, you and mark talked dirty online. on my birthday weekend, i saw a text from you on his phone. it said "i meant what i said last night". i asked him what that was. i cried about it. on my birthday. he said "when i saw Regina she..like... professed her love to me. pathetic. apparently she never got over me. i told her to move on. she knows we're both different people now. apparently some people just cant get over high school shit." ...i accepted that, i sent you a msg on facebook extending my friendship to you b/c i knew mark would keep you as a friend even though you said that to him. you didnt write back to me, but i see you mentioned it in a conversation with mark. he promised me he'd never hang out with you again. me = dumb.as.shit.
i am not trying to upset you. i wish someone had told me the TRUTH. so now i'm giving you the full story so you can make good decisions when it comes to your future with your lover mark. I have known friends who have been "the other girl". it doesnt usually end well for anyone, but hey, maybe this one will.
i saw the pics he took of himself with his penis covered and i think taht's hilarious b/c ....well....i mean..... did he think that was sexy? did YOU think that was sexy? there are better men out there. men who will make you their world. men who can make real-life decisions, for example, "do i want girl A or girl B? I want girl B." My friends have been cheated on before, have been with indecisive men, and they've been the "other girl" waiting for a guy to break things off with their girlfriend and just be with them instead. They moved passed those relationships and found meaning and truth with other men. they've found love (the physical, the emotional, the i'm-okay-kissing-you-in-public kinda of love).
GOOD LUCK dating mark.
he is all urs.
PS i am always up for a chat! 555-555-0037.... and whatever you do, moving forward, I can promise you don't have to worry about he and I being together in any way, shape, or form. and I am pleasant to talk to you, Regina, i will tell whatever you want to know.