Best of CL: Faghag needed in NEK

{click to enlarge}

Originally Posted: Wed, 27 Jan 13:35 EST

Faghag needed in NEK

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Date: 2010-01-27, 1:35PM EST

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Recent Boston transplant to middle of nowhere podunk VT.

About Fag:
Unemployed Fag without a car and too much free time. Have had no success finding men of substance on Manhunt.
Enjoys photography, urban exploration (read: trespassing), music, art, food and bad indie movies.

Duties would include:
Laughing at my jokes
Watching bad movies on netflix
Exploring abandoned houses and factories.
Checking out hot guys
Providing approval on possible date candidates
Smoking and providing pot
Providing a shoulder for crying

Ideal candidate would possess some or all of the following qualities:
A car
Loud annoying voice
Sympathy with a strong streak of vindictiveness
Masculinity beyond which I posses
Offers good advice while never taking her own
The need to protect her Fag from violence by str8 men (typically while beating her Fag for getting into the mess in the first place)

Overweight/Ginger/Lesbian tendencies to the front of the line.

Auditions by appointment only.
Thanks,
Fag in need of a Hag

• Location: Lyndonville
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1573280932

Best of CL: To the Woman who maced me - m4w

Yaron Lapid; "The New Hero"

Originally Posted: Sat, 10 Nov 20:43 CST

To the Woman who maced me - m4w

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Date: 2007-11-10, 8:43PM CST

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I saw you jogging around the lake and followed you to Dunn brothers. I was trying to work up my courage to get out of my van and go into Dunn brothers but you were only inside for 30 minutes. As you left the coffee shop I followed you slowly as you walked up the block. I think you got nervous when I hit the garbage cans that some jerk left on the boulevard! I guess I did hop the curb, but still, they were pretty close to the street. Anyways, I watched you start to run and I wanted to explain what happened, you started screaming for help as I tackled you, whats with the screaming anyways? And why do women always scream when I try to talk at them? Anyways, thats when I got a face full of mace...that was three days ago, and I was just released from the jail. I was hoping you could meet me and possibly drop the charges.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 475176589

Best of CL: "I Puked in Your Purse"

I Puked in Your Purse

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Date: 2009-07-16, 6:32PM EDT

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You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can't wait to hear from you!!! 

masked

The Chap via kitchensoup

Best of CL: Anyone ever been caught...

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Date: 2006-07-27, 1:34PM CDT

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...doing the most private of private things?

Last night my girlfriend came home earlier than she ever has and caught me, naked, watching porn, and stroking it with a mask and snorkel on.

There's not really much to say at that point. She walked right past me and went into the bedroom. I quickly turned the porn off, put on some pants, and took the mask and snorkel off. Five minuets later she came out of the bedroom and asked how my day was... it was like she didn't just catch me throttling myself with a mask and snorkel on. The rest of the evening went as normal. We had baked chicken and green beans for dinner, and then watched the simpsons.

I don't really don't know what else to say.

• no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  

PostingID: 186980585

Best of CL: hot homeless guy with beard and shaggy hair

hot homeless guy with beard and shaggy hair

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Date: 2009-05-21, 12:52PM EDT

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you're young, hot, and homeless. you look to be about 20-25. you have brownish red shaggy hair and a nice beard. i could tell you were homeless because you were eating chips off the ground and you had urine soaked filthy pants on. i've always had a thing for the "starving artist" types and your homeless ruggedness is hot. i have seen you sleeping in one of the bus stops near public square. if you ever steal a laptop or break into a library or someone's home to use their computer, i hope you read this. ~Brittany R.

• Location: downtown cleveland
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1182062727

Best of CL: "Hey! Same Car!"

Volvo Soulmate on 101 Southbound - w4m - 20 (101 South Scottsdale)

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Date: 2009-08-11, 12:14AM MST

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On Friday afternoon I was driving on the Loop 101 going southbound in about central Scottsdale. It was the middle of the afternoon, I couldn't say what time for sure.

Amid the traffic a Volvo 240 DL; the exact same as mine, pulls up along side of me and the driver gives me a thumbs up, indicating how awesome we both are for having the same awesome car.

You looked awesome. Let's party.

• Location: 101 South Scottsdale
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1317000463

you suck at craigslist

Um, still not a lion.

Best of CL: Prell??

You threw your lit cigarette at my face outside Starbucks - m4w

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Date: 2009-07-13, 5:23PM EDT

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I'm sorry I wasn't able to stop and chat --- I was in such a rush to do my errands --- but you too seemed to be in a giant rush to run inside and grab your extra-whip venti white chocolate mocha. You were in such a hurry that even after your friend pointed out how close your cig came to burning my face, you didn't have time to say "sorry" or "excuse me." Anyway, I just wanted to write to let you know how much I love it when Big Beautiful Women wear pajama pants/tee-shirt ensembles out in public. It conveys a postmodern "I've totally given up on life" attitude that so many men find intoxicating. Additionally, your hair was exquisite. I can tell that your life is so full of fun and adventure that you don't even have time to buy a bottle of Prell, but there's nothing more exciting than a woman on the go.

Listen, I'm sure you have far too many male suitors for you to even consider reading Craigslist missed connections, but on the off chance that you see this and you haven't been felled by heart disease or any of the myriad cancers you're courting ... I'd love to take you and your slightly less-hot friend to dinner. We'll have all the things you love! I envision beginning with some wings, then moving on to a few chicken parms, some buckets of General Tso's, even more buckets of the Colonel's extra-crispy, a jalapeno-popper palate cleanser, followed by approximately 27 stuffed-crust pizzas, as many McDonald's #2 value meals as you can eat before you get bored, and finally a jaunt to Cheesecake Factory for dessert. And at the end of the night, if you're still hungry (no doubt about that) and feeling in the mood (fingers crossed!), we can end with some edible underwear and a Colt 45 fountain.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

• Location: Harvard Ave at Thorndike, 7/13
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1268240830

photo courtesy of TIWYF

Best of CL: Cow poop

Originally Posted: Mon, 25 May 20:30 EDT

Cow poop

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Date: 2009-05-25, 8:30PM EDT

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We have cows that keep pooping and it's more than we can handle. Every day there is more cow shit piling up and my husband is starting to panic. He works at Jiffy Mart and doesn't have the time to figure out what to do with all of it. I work too, and I dread coming home each night only to see the cows have pooped another mountain. Please, if you know what can be done about this situation, please let us know as we are at wits end. The stench is becoming unbearable here and I can hardly eat my salad right now as I type this.

• Location: Jericho
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1188589086

My fave CL best of: To the Minotaur that lives above me.

On occasion the best of Craigslist will be filled with nuggets of passive aggressive gold. This open letter to an upstairs neighbor left me dying. I once lived with a girl who morphed into minotaur at night once everyone went to sleep. Oh how I don't miss those hooves stomping.

" To the Minotaur that lives above me.

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Date: 2008-06-26, 10:36AM CDT

First off, I must say that I admire your courage. It must be hard living in the world today as a lady-beast. Society judges, oh lord do they ever.

With that said, let’s get down to business. Over the past year, we've had a funny sort of relationship, you and I. When I first moved into the place, it was rather peaceful. It was an exciting time in my life, as it was the first time I would be living by myself. Then came the day that I first heard it. What did I hear you ask? It was sound of your hooves galloping across the hardwood floors of your living room. At the time I thought, “No big deal, surely it can’t always be like this.” Oh was I wrong. It turned out that every time I was at home, you would be up there, stomping around, like the wild lady-beast that you are.

After a few weeks, I determined through a process of elimination, that you are in fact, a Minotaur. It only makes sense.

FACT. Minotaurs have hooves, and that’s sure as hell what it sounds like is hitting the floor when you gallop around.

FACT. A Minotaur posses great strength, the kind of strength that can be felt by a guy laying on his couch, trying to get into a good book. The kind of strength that shakes the dishes in his cupboards. The kind of strength that can wake a guy out of a dead sleep, EVERY FRICKIN MORNING. I didn’t even need to set an alarm clock to wake up in the morning. Instead I wake up to THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP. I’m not a light sleeper by any means; I sleep right through the viciously loud police, fire truck, and ambulance sirens every night. I was lying there one morning, frustrated, counting the trips you took between your bedroom and your bathroom. 17. 17 god forsaken trips between the bedroom and the bathroom. Really? Are you kidding me? What could you possibly be doing?

FACT. Minotaurs are half bull. Bulls are aggressive when taunted. Apparently, the time I went upstairs, politely introduced myself, and asked you rather nicely to please quit stomping around, was a taunt. That’s when you got aggressive. You called the landlord and told him that I was complaining about your noise. When he told me about this, he said his response to your complaint was, “Quit making so much noise then.” Brilliant. Go Mr. Landlord! I tried keeping him out of this, but you felt it important to drag him into it.

After a few more weeks of you recklessly stomping around, I made another attempt at a civil confrontation. It failed. It failed because you stomped your way to the door, and you didn’t open it when you saw who was standing there. I know this because I heard your hooves clippity-clop their way to the door. Way to avoid confrontation.

To my surprise, the stomping ceased the next day, and I awoke to peace. “Amazing,” I thought, “It must be a midsummer miracle!!” A few days passed, and I ran into my landlord in the entry way. He mentioned that he received another angry phone call from you. Said that you felt threatened by my confrontations, said I scared you. Strange, since not once did I ever raise my voice or try to be anything but civil. He then mentioned that he told you to buy some slippers to wear around your apartment. Genius! It freakin worked!! Hell yea, Mr Landlord! High five!

Fast forward 11 months. The stomping has returned. No doubt in my mind the hooves have worn through the delicate fabrics of the slippers and are now, once again, banging against your hardwood floors.

Please, for the love of sweet baby jesus, run down to the local Target and purchase yourself another pair of hoof mufflers. I know you can run with those strong legs of yours, probably real fast like! Target downtown is all of 10 blocks away. Go Minotaur, go! Overcome the odds, society is watching! (and judging)"

[javier pinon minotaur collage]